A boundary is not a way of controlling someone else. Amy Gleaves has heard that misunderstanding for years, and in week two of The Family We Were Given series, she explains why it keeps boundaries from working in family relationships specifically.
What a boundary actually is
A boundary isn’t telling someone to stop doing something. It’s deciding what you’ll do next if they don’t. Amy makes the distinction clear: the boundary describes her own behavior, not a demand on the other person. That’s also why boundaries fail. Say the line, then keep showing up the same way when it’s crossed, and the boundary was never really a boundary.
Chasing approval instead of setting boundaries
For years, Amy kept explaining herself to family, hoping the right words would finally land. What she was actually doing was asking for approval she’d been raised to believe she needed. Every unapproved decision felt like proof she’d gotten something wrong, even when nothing was actually wrong.
The Christmas that changed things
One bad Christmas became the line. Amy stopped attending family holidays altogether. She wasn’t angry. She’d simply run out of ways to ask for basic respect. She’s clear that the decision came with grief. Missing people you’ve stepped back from doesn’t mean the boundary was wrong.
Use this today
Write down one boundary you’ve stated but haven’t held. Decide what you’ll actually do the next time it’s crossed, and hold to it once. Notice what changes when the follow-through matches the words.
