Why people gossip comes down to one thing: it keeps the attention off them. The person who knows everything about everyone is usually avoiding the mirror, the one that asks how they’re doing, whether they’re proud of how they’re living, and whether they’re taking accountability for their own life.
I’m not going to tell you I never gossip. I do, or I have, sometimes with my friends. But I’ve noticed a pattern. People who spend a lot of time talking about what everyone else is doing don’t spend nearly enough time talking about what they’re doing.
This episode is about that pattern, what gossip gives us a way to dodge, and a check-in I’d like you to run on yourself this week.
Why do people gossip?
Gossip gives everyone at the table somewhere else to look. If I can sit in a room and start talking about someone else, you’re not going to look at me and question what I’m doing. You might not see the flaws I’m hiding.
I’ve watched people steer a whole conversation toward other people so nobody asks them the bigger questions. The hard conversation never happens.
A lot of the time, gossip is us talking about someone doing what we wish we were doing. Putting them down feels easier than treating what they did as a possibility, and easier than cheering for them.
Is it normal to gossip sometimes?
Yes. We’re all human. A funny moment shared with a close friend, a laugh, and then you move on. It never goes anywhere, and it isn’t someone’s life story. That’s a different thing from a habit.
There’s another reason people reach for gossip. Starting a business or trying something new can be scary to talk about, because you expect to be judged. If that fear is loud, it’s worth asking whether you’re sitting in front of the wrong group.
What happens when you keep sitting at the table?
I trust one rule: if someone gossips with you, they’ll gossip about you. If they’re talking about someone else while you sit there, they’re probably talking about you once you get up. So I don’t sit at tables where people gossip anymore.
Listening counts. If you’re willing to sit and listen to gossip, you’re taking part in it.
Groups can go either way. If you leave a room drained, with less energy and a worse feeling about your idea or your business, look at what the conversation was. Many of us say we back women. In practice, we back the ones who make us look good.
What does gossip say about a business owner?
I have a rule with anyone I do business with. If the person giving me a service bashes someone else in their industry, I stop going to them. It tells me there’s something in their own business they don’t feel confident about, so they have to put someone else down. I don’t buy into that.
The people who are building something aren’t at lunch talking about everyone else. They’re doing it. Those are the people I want in my corner.
How to stop gossiping without pretending you never do
Try this once this week. If you catch yourself gossiping a lot, ask:
- What am I trying to avoid?
- What do I not want people to know about me?
- What am I scared to talk about?
- What am I getting out of talking about this person?
Then look at the table you sit at. If it’s a table that gossips, look for a new circle. Boundaries and honest connection are the heart of the Relationships topic, and you can read more at amygleaves.com/relationships/.
You get to choose what happens next. If you want a place to start getting honest with yourself, The Confidence Code is free at amygleaves.com/confidencecode.
